Selena – Hands to Myself

Scene: A trendy rooftop bar in Los Angeles.

Selena Gomez sits at a table with her drink. Suddenly Borat appears, tugging along a nervous but stylish Italian man in his 30s, Mark, wearing a flashy leather jacket.

Borat (booming voice): “Hello, Selena Gomez! Jagshemash! I bring you important message. Your fiancé — he is cheat! Very shame. He do romance with other woman, like dirty goat in field. Disgrace!”

Selena (startled, then frowning): “Wait, what? Who are you?”

Borat (gesturing proudly to Mark): “I am Borat Sagdiyev, number four journalist of Kazakhstan. And this… this is my very sexy friend from Italy, Mark! He is not cheat. He makes best spaghetti in all of Napoli, and his mother still iron his underpants.”

Mark (thick Italian accent, trying to smile): “Eh, ciao Selena… Borat, maybe you slow down, sì?”

Borat (ignoring him, turning back to Selena): “Mark is strong like ox, smooth like olive oil. He will never betray you. Only betray maybe… pizza delivery time. Ha! Very nice!”

Selena (laughing despite herself): “So… you’re trying to tell me I should dump my fiancé… and date your friend Mark?”

Borat (nodding furiously): “YES! Much better for you. Instead of heartbreak, you get man who play accordion and drive tiny car that go beep beep. America will love Italian romance! Do it, Selena. You will be very happy. High five!”

Mark (sighing, under his breath): “Mamma mia…”

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The Secrets of Le Baron

Scene: A cracked highway outside of town. A battered green Chrysler Le Baron convertible sputters along. Deadpool is behind the wheel, scarf flapping in the wind, humming the Freddy Got Fingered theme off-key. G.I. Joe sits shotgun, visibly regretting every choice that led him here.


Deadpool:
Ahhh, smell that, Joe? That’s freedom. That’s style. That’s… burning transmission fluid. But mostly—freedom.

G.I. Joe (grimacing):
Why is it green?

Deadpool (cheerfully):
Because, my sweet naïve action figure, this is no ordinary Le Baron. This is the Tom Green Special. Straight outta Freddy Got Fingered. Behold—the Freddymobile!

G.I. Joe:
You’re telling me we’re rolling into a mission in a car named after a comedian who pretended to play a piano with sausages?

Deadpool (snaps fingers):
Exactly! This isn’t just a car. It’s an icon of cinematic brilliance. Well, “brilliance” is a strong word. Let’s say… an icon of cinematic… existence.

G.I. Joe (folds arms):
Looks like a Rothschild psyop to me. “Le Baron.” Can’t fool me.

Deadpool (gasps):
You mean Tom Green was secretly working for the Rothschilds? My God. It all makes sense. The sausages… the backwards man… all subliminal banker propaganda!

G.I. Joe:
I’m serious. They hide symbols in plain sight. You think Chrysler picked “Le Baron” at random?

Deadpool (revving the dying engine):
Yep, nothing screams “ancient banking cabal” like a $500 convertible that smells like raccoon pee. Truly the ride of the elites.

(The Le Baron sputters, backfires, and then the roof half-collapses while they’re driving.)

Deadpool (cheering):
See that? That’s not a breakdown—that’s the Rothschilds pulling strings. They’re mad at you, Joe. They know you know.

G.I. Joe (gritting teeth):
I’m starting to think you’re the psyop.

Deadpool (grinning under mask):
Shhh. Don’t ruin the sequel—G.I. Joe vs. Freddy Got Fingered 2: Baron Harder.

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The Male Casting Couch

Brad Pitt leans back in his chair during an off-the-record interview, a wry smile on his face.

Brad Pitt: “People think the casting couch only existed for women. Truth is, in Hollywood, the male casting couch was just kept quieter. Guys were expected to laugh it off, call it part of ‘paying your dues.’ You don’t hear about it because the system protects itself.”

He pauses, swirling his drink.

Brad Pitt: “Look at Matt Damon. He’s one of the best actors of our generation, but you see him selling crypto scams and Dunkin’ Donuts? That’s not choice—that’s leverage. They’ve got files, man. Catholic schoolboy secrets from Boston. They keep him in line by dangling what they know. You think he wakes up proud to shill Bitcoin casinos and iced coffee? No, he’s terrified.”

The room goes quiet, Pitt almost daring anyone to deny it.

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