Troy Mcclure in Muppets Go Medieval.

Troy Mcclure is a Simpsons character with a bizarre sexual fetish. I am going to demonstrate that Troy is based on real life actor Tom Cruise. Notice Troy has a snake as his coat of arms in Muppets Go Medieval. The snake is the deceiver. Tom Cruise has deceived millions of adoring women that he is straight when he is in fact gay. He is gay but he also has a bizarre fetish that makes him easily blackmailed by Scientology.

Troy’s bumper sticker.

In the Simpsons episode A Fish Called Selma, Troy gets caught driving without his glasses. He has a bumper sticker on his car showing he patronizes Springfield Aquarium. This is because Troy has a bizarre fish fetish. What is a fish fetish you ask? A fish fetish is when a gay partner puts a fish inside their partners rectum. The squirming and wriggling is very pleasurable to the sex partner. Be careful though, the fish will get stuck if it is too large. The scales act kind of like a driveway spike. ONE WAY ONLY. I’ve seen this many times in my Proctology practice in San Francisco. My cousin Schlomo and I charge alot of money to remove objects from these kinds of anal intrusions.

Troy is a handsome man. How could Chief Wiggum make him wear glasses?

Troy and Tom are both handsome actors. In the cartoon Troy is forced to wear glasses. In real life Tom Cruise wears braces but he’s never been photographed once wearing his head gear. Schlomo says he probably hid out in Canada while getting his teeth straightened 6 months at a time between film projects. He still wears a retainer at night to this day.

Tom Cruise’s twisted teeth.

You can see his teeth are twisted and chipped in this picture from the 80′s movie The Outsiders. Those were the days before invisalign or any other kind of clear, plastic braces. You would have a mouth full of metal and a head strap you would have to wear most of the day.

Troy meets Selma at the DMV.

Luckily Troy meets Selma at the DMV and she lets him get away with driving without his glasses. Troy invites her on a date in exchange for her doing him this favor.

Troy kisses Selma in front of the paparazzi.

Troy takes Selma out to dinner and the paparazzi show up so Troy gives her a kiss. After Troy gives Selma that kiss his career pics up and he’s once again leading man material.

Leper in the Backfield.

Tom Cruise’s 80′s movie All the Right Moves is what the Simpsons parody movie Leper in the Backfield is based on. There is also a movie called The Verdict was Mail Fraud. That movie is based on The Firm.

The Firm.

The Firm could in fact be renamed The Verdict was Mail Fraud since the mafia law firm is defeated by Tom Cruise’s mail fraud findings. It’s a very famous movie. I’m sure you remember it.

Troy and Selma on the town.

Troy finds out Selma is so good for his movie career he asks her to marry him. Selma says yes to the sham marriage.

Tom kisses Katie.

It is widely rumored in the tabloids that Tom and Katie Holmes marriage is in fact a sham. Does this kiss look forced to you?

Troy’s home.

Troy’s home is full of fish. I’m not sure about gay sex but I think you have anal sex with your partner while the fish is squirming in your rectum. You can also perform a reach around before the fish dies from lack of oxygen.

Troy’s wedding.

Tom’s wedding.

Conclusion

We must free Tom Cruise! Sure his fish fetish may be strange but it’s the year 2011. Psychiatry classified homosexuality as a disorder until the year 1973. But times changed and times will change again and we will not mock Cruise for his bizarre and unusual fetish. The Church of Scientology has all of Tom’s confessions tape recorded. David Miscavige, the leader of Scientology, has Tom under complete control because of this. Can Tom break free of Miscavige’s control? Only time can tell.

written and coded by Dr. Fishman