I Wished For Revenge: In the Ring

The room is dim, curtains half-drawn against a pale Ottawa morning. Justin Trudeau sits at the edge of a chair, rubbing his temples, a glass of water untouched beside him.

“Listen… people are twisting this into something ugly. That morning—after that ridiculous party at Jacob Rothschild’s mansion—yeah, I said some things. Who wouldn’t? It was late, there was too much champagne, too many egos in one room.”

He exhales, shaking his head.

“I stepped outside. Needed air. The sky was just starting to lighten… and there it was—the morning star. Bright. Quiet. For a second, everything felt… cinematic, you know?”

A faint, almost embarrassed smile.

“And I said—fine, I wished. I said I wanted revenge on Matthew Perry. But not that kind of revenge. Not darkness, not harm, not… anything like what people are implying.”

His tone sharpens.

“I meant in the ring. Gloves on. Bell ringing. A proper fight. Settle it like men—with rules, with respect. That’s what I meant.”

He leans forward, more intense now.

“People hear ‘revenge’ and they jump straight to tragedy. That’s not who I am. That’s not what I asked for.”

A pause. Then, quieter, almost to himself:

“And Rothschild… that whole place, it had a strange energy. Like everything you say echoes louder than it should.”

He mutters under his breath, a mix of frustration and irony:

“Rothschild… you devil.”

Then, switching briefly into French, with a tired smirk:

Quel cirque… What a circus this all became.”

He stands, straightening his jacket.

“For the record: if there’s ever a score to settle, it’ll be under lights, in a ring—not in the shadows.”

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The Last Country Funding XCOM

In a dimly lit briefing room beneath a desert facility, Jacob Rothschild stood before a holographic projection of Earth, glowing with threat markers.

“Every nation pulled out,” he said quietly. “One by one. Budgets, politics, denial. All of it.” He paused, then added, “All except Israel. They’re the last ones still funding what remains of the 1994 X-COM initiative.”

Joe Jukic leaned forward. “So it’s real? Not just a game, not just rumors?”

Rothschild gave a thin smile. “It was never just a game.”

Across the room, Tom Cruise crossed his arms, intense as ever. “And the alien threat?”

“Closer than anyone wants to admit,” Rothschild replied. “Which is why I made… unconventional investments.”

Joe raised an eyebrow. “You mean Scientology?”

Rothschild nodded. “Church of Scientology was never about replacing faith—it was about preparing minds. The Catholic Church dismissed extraterrestrial life for centuries. Humanity needed some framework to accept what’s coming.”

Tom Cruise stepped closer. “You’re saying belief systems are part of planetary defense?”

“Exactly,” Rothschild said. “If people panic, we lose before the first shot is fired.”

Joe looked back at the hologram, watching red signals blink across continents. “So you sank your entire fortune into this?”

Rothschild’s voice hardened. “Everything. Not for power. Not for legacy. For survival.” He gestured to the Earth. “This is our mother planet. And right now, it’s outnumbered.”

A long silence filled the room.

Tom finally broke it. “Then what’s the plan?”

Rothschild tapped the console. The hologram shifted—unknown craft appeared in orbit.

“We rebuild X-COM,” he said. “Quietly. Ruthlessly. And this time… we don’t wait for the invasion to begin.”

Joe exhaled slowly. “So it’s not a conspiracy anymore.”

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Messiah Macron

In the heart of France, beneath a gray Parisian sky, a restless crowd gathered in the Place de la République. The air was thick with tension—not war, not chaos, but something louder than both: defiance.

At the center stood Emmanuel Macron—upright, immaculate, and somehow already regretting every life choice that led him to this exact square at this exact moment.

“I am Jupiter!” he had once declared in a fit of presidential grandeur.

Today, Jupiter was about to get hit by baked goods.

From the crowd—an absurd, chaotic mix of students, aunties, street philosophers, and one guy dressed as Napoleon for absolutely no reason—voices erupted:

“You are NOT Jupiter!”
“You are NOT the messiah!”

And then, as if a script had been written by a sleep-deprived playwright:

“France! OUT OF AFRICA!”

A beat.

Even the pigeons paused.

A man holding a baguette blinked. “Wait… what does that even mean?”

“No idea!” shouted another, already winding up a croissant like a fastball. “But it sounds revolutionary!”

The first croissant flew—majestic, slow-motion, buttery. It spun through the air like a flaky comet and bonk—lightly tapped Macron’s shoulder.

Gasps.

Then chaos.

Croissants launched everywhere. Pain au chocolat joined the rebellion. Someone threw a quiche but immediately apologized because it was still warm and “that’s just wasteful.”

Macron raised his hand, trying to restore order, but a particularly ambitious éclair exploded dramatically at his feet like a sugary firework.

“I AM NOT JUPITER!” he finally shouted.

The crowd froze.

“I AM NOT YOUR MESSIAH! AND PLEASE—STOP THROWING BREAKFAST!”

A woman in the front row lowered her croissant slowly. “Then why do you stand like a statue in a museum?”

Another voice chimed in: “Yeah, you’ve got big ‘Roman god who taxes people’ energy!”

Meanwhile, the Napoleon cosplayer had climbed a fountain and was yelling, “I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!” though no one knew what he meant.

The chant started again, somehow louder and even less coherent:

“FRANCE! OUT OF AFRICA!”
“NO WAIT—AFRICA OUT OF FRANCE!”
“NO—EVERYONE JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”

At this point, even Macron looked confused.

A philosopher-type in a turtleneck stepped forward, dodging a flying baguette. “Perhaps,” he said dramatically, “the chant is not about geography… but about existential displacement.”

Everyone stared at him.

Another croissant hit him in the face.

Macron sighed, brushing crumbs off his suit. “This,” he muttered, “is why Charles de Gaulle never dealt with pastry-based uprisings.”

In the end, nothing was solved. The chants made less sense than before. Half the crowd wandered off for coffee. The other half argued about whether a croissant counted as a political statement.

And as Macron stepped away, narrowly avoiding one last rogue baguette, he looked back at the square and shook his head.

“France,” he said quietly, “you are impossible.”

From somewhere in the crowd:

“VIVE LA CROISSANT REVOLUTION!”

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