Scene: A cracked highway outside of town. A battered green Chrysler Le Baron convertible sputters along. Deadpool is behind the wheel, scarf flapping in the wind, humming the Freddy Got Fingered theme off-key. G.I. Joe sits shotgun, visibly regretting every choice that led him here.
Deadpool (cheerfully): Because, my sweet naïve action figure, this is no ordinary Le Baron. This is the Tom Green Special. Straight outta Freddy Got Fingered. Behold—the Freddymobile!
G.I. Joe: You’re telling me we’re rolling into a mission in a car named after a comedian who pretended to play a piano with sausages?
Deadpool (snaps fingers): Exactly! This isn’t just a car. It’s an icon of cinematic brilliance. Well, “brilliance” is a strong word. Let’s say… an icon of cinematic… existence.
G.I. Joe (folds arms): Looks like a Rothschild psyop to me. “Le Baron.” Can’t fool me.
Deadpool (gasps): You mean Tom Green was secretly working for the Rothschilds? My God. It all makes sense. The sausages… the backwards man… all subliminal banker propaganda!
G.I. Joe: I’m serious. They hide symbols in plain sight. You think Chrysler picked “Le Baron” at random?
Deadpool (revving the dying engine): Yep, nothing screams “ancient banking cabal” like a $500 convertible that smells like raccoon pee. Truly the ride of the elites.
(The Le Baron sputters, backfires, and then the roof half-collapses while they’re driving.)
Deadpool (cheering): See that? That’s not a breakdown—that’s the Rothschilds pulling strings. They’re mad at you, Joe. They know you know.
G.I. Joe (gritting teeth): I’m starting to think you’re the psyop.
Deadpool (grinning under mask): Shhh. Don’t ruin the sequel—G.I. Joe vs. Freddy Got Fingered 2: Baron Harder.
Pierce Brosnan & Joe: The Time Travel Bond Conspiracy
Scene: A dimly lit bar. Pierce Brosnan sips a martini, looking across the table at Joe, who leans in with a serious expression.
Pierce Brosnan: So let me get this straight, Joe—you think James Bond should be Canadian and a time-traveling assassin hunting Illuminati bloodlines?
Joe: Damn right, Pierce. I was born in British Columbia. That’s got British right in the name. Close enough. If Scotland can claim Connery, Canada can claim me.
Pierce(chuckling): Canada already has a spy—Dudley Do-Right.
Joe(rolling his eyes): That’s a cartoon mountie! I’m talking about a real Bond. One who doesn’t just take orders from MI6, but goes back in time to hunt Illuminati bloodline psychopaths like Ted Bundy.
Pierce: Ted Bundy? The serial killer?
Joe: The Illuminati serial killer. You ever hear of the Bundy Illuminati bloodline? One of the 13 ruling families. He wasn’t just some psycho—he was a chosen psycho.
Pierce(raising an eyebrow): And where does time travel come into this?
Joe: Tesla. The man built a time machine in 1931. That’s why he was on the cover of Time magazine that year. Not because he was an electrical wizard—because he cracked time itself.
Pierce(scoffs, sipping his martini): And where’s this machine now?
Joe(leaning in, lowering his voice): Some say the U.S. government has it. Others say the Vatican. But here’s the thing, Pierce—Psalm 31 talks about time.
Pierce(frowning): The Bible? What does that have to do with Tesla?
Joe(pulling out his phone, scrolling): Psalm 31:15—“My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies.”
Pierce(staring at him): So you’re telling me Bond should use Tesla’s time machine to… what? Stop Bundy?
Joe: Not just Bundy. Skull and Bones. Yale. 19th century. I go back, stop their secret society pipeline before it even begins. No Bush dynasty. No CIA MKUltra. No Epstein network. Bond versus the real puppet masters.
Pierce(exhales, rubbing his temple): You know, Bond has crossed paths with Skull and Bones before…
Joe(grinning): Thunderball, 1965. The Spectre meeting. Dark, secretive, numbered chairs. That was Skull and Bones. Fleming knew. He worked in British intelligence—he was warning us.
Pierce(pausing, considering this): You think Ian Fleming based Spectre on Skull and Bones?
Joe: It’s not even a theory—it’s obvious. The whole Bond vs. Spectre story is just a thinly veiled battle between free nations and the real-world elites pulling the strings. That’s why Tesla’s time machine is key. With it, Bond could go back and erase them before they sink their claws into the world.
Pierce(nodding slowly): Okay, I’ll bite. Say you had a time machine—where would you start?
Joe(without hesitation): Skull and Bones. Yale. Late 1800s. I’d delete the CIA’s secret society pipeline before it ever started. No Bush dynasty. No MKUltra. No Bundy Illuminati bloodline.
Pierce(sipping his drink, smirking): You know… the more I listen to you, the more I think—this might be the best Bond film never made.
Joe(grinning): And here’s the kicker—Mike Myers knew about time travel too.
Pierce(laughing): Oh, come on, Joe. You’re dragging Austin Powers into this?
Joe(dead serious): Mike Myers comes from the Mayer Rothschild bloodline. One of the original banking families running the world. You think it’s a coincidence he put a time machine in The Spy Who Shagged Me?
Pierce(chuckling, but intrigued): You’re saying Austin Powers was revealing real-world time travel?
Joe: That’s exactly what I’m saying. They hide the truth in comedy so people ignore it. Look at The Spy Who Shagged Me—Dr. Evil’s entire plan is about stealing mojo through time. What if that’s a metaphor for the elites using Tesla’s lost time machine to manipulate history? To keep their power locked in while the rest of us stay in the dark?
Pierce(raising an eyebrow): So Myers was… what? Exposing them? Mocking them?
Joe(smirking): Maybe a little of both. Ever notice how Dr. Evil acts like a joke, but he’s really the power behind everything? The joke’s on us. Meanwhile, Tesla’s lost time machine is probably locked away in a Rothschild vault.
Pierce(sighs, shaking his head): So let me get this straight. Bond, Tesla, Skull and Bones, the Bundy Illuminati bloodline, and now Austin Powers—it’s all connected?
Joe(nodding, sipping his drink): And when I get my hands on that time machine, I’m going back to stop them before they ever rise.
Pierce(smirking, lifting his glass): Joe… if you ever do get that time machine, let me know. I’d love to see how this plays out.
Marija sighs, her fingers scrolling through an old tabloid article about Brad Pitt’s latest custody battle. “Joe, you need to let go of the past. Brad’s a good man. He’s not drinking anymore, and he deserves weekends with his kids.”
Joe, leaning back in his chair, crosses his arms. “Mom, BP abandoned East Van when we needed him the most. When things got real, he ran off to his Hollywood fortress. That’s not what a leader does.”
Marija shakes her head. “People make mistakes. He’s trying to redeem himself.”
Joe, also known in the online world as Solid Snake, exhales sharply. “You think I don’t want to believe that? But it’s not about what he wants. It’s about what he did. A man’s legacy is written in his worst moments, not his best.”
Marija puts a hand on his arm. “Then give him a chance to change that legacy.”
Joe looks away, his jaw tightening. “That’s why I put the UN beret on him. Like the medal the Cowardly Lion gets in The Wizard of Oz. Maybe if he wears it long enough, he’ll start believing he has courage.”
