My Plan to Take Over the World

Jacob Rothschild sits across from Joe Jukic at a small café that doesn’t exist on any map. The coffee is cold. The conversation is older than both of them.

Jacob Rothschild:
“You know, Joe… people think power is a throne. It isn’t. It’s a treadmill. You run and run and never arrive.”

Joe Jukic:
“They say your family wanted to run the whole world.”

Jacob (smiles, tired):
“People love simple stories. Villains with monocles. Shadows with names. If we had wanted to confess, we already did.”

Joe:
“Pinky and the Brain.”

Jacob (laughs quietly):
“Exactly. A children’s cartoon. Two lab rats. One obsessed with domination, the other asking the only sane question: ‘What are we doing tonight?’
That was the joke. That was the confession. We hid it in plain sight so people wouldn’t believe it.”

Joe:
“So you gave up?”

Jacob:
“No. I woke up. You can’t ‘take over the world.’ The world isn’t a thing you hold. It’s a thing that breaks you back.”

(He stirs his coffee, though it doesn’t need it.)

Jacob:
“My son doesn’t want it. The so-called throne. The darkness. He looked at the inheritance and saw what it really was: responsibility without meaning.”

Joe:
“That must be new for your family.”

Jacob:
“It’s the end of something, not the beginning. Every dynasty dies the same way—not with revolution, but with a child who says, ‘No, thank you.’

Joe:
“And the throne?”

Jacob:
“There never was one. Just fear, money, and people projecting their nightmares onto a name. Once you stop believing you’re a god, the spell breaks.”

(He looks directly at Joe.)

Jacob:
“The real danger was never families like mine. It was the idea that history needs a hidden master. That lets everyone else off the hook.”

Joe:
“So what now?”

Jacob (stands, lighter somehow):
“Now? I rest. I watch cartoons. And I let the world belong to people who still think it’s worth saving.”

He pauses.

Jacob:
“Just don’t tell them the rats already figured it out.”

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I Put All My Money Into the XCOM Project

INT. UNDERGROUND BUNKER – NIGHT

The alien sirens echo faintly through steel walls. Flickering monitors cast cold blue light on G.I. JOE and his two brothers, standing ready.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD enters, his cane tapping on the concrete floor. His voice carries the weight of scripture.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
(quoting)
“They kill the widow and alien; the fatherless they murder.”
(Psalm 94:6)

He lowers the Bible and stares at Joe.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
That verse… it’s about them. The invaders. They don’t just slaughter soldiers — they erase the weak, the forgotten, the innocent.

Joe’s jaw tightens.

G.I. JOE
So that’s why you put everything into XCOM?

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
In 1994, when the nations turned their backs, I mortgaged my legacy. I risked every Rothschild coin to keep the Project alive. Do you understand, Joe? The world abandoned the fight, but I could not.

He steps closer, his eyes fixed on Joe and his brothers.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
I chose you three because you did what no one else could. You beat the game in record time. What was a simulation for others… was prophecy for you.

Joe looks down at the battered XCOM insignia Jacob presses into his palm.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
This isn’t just war, Joe. This is scripture unfolding. And if we fail… Psalm 94 will be written in our blood.

The alien sirens rise to a scream.

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The Secrets of Le Baron

Scene: A cracked highway outside of town. A battered green Chrysler Le Baron convertible sputters along. Deadpool is behind the wheel, scarf flapping in the wind, humming the Freddy Got Fingered theme off-key. G.I. Joe sits shotgun, visibly regretting every choice that led him here.


Deadpool:
Ahhh, smell that, Joe? That’s freedom. That’s style. That’s… burning transmission fluid. But mostly—freedom.

G.I. Joe (grimacing):
Why is it green?

Deadpool (cheerfully):
Because, my sweet naïve action figure, this is no ordinary Le Baron. This is the Tom Green Special. Straight outta Freddy Got Fingered. Behold—the Freddymobile!

G.I. Joe:
You’re telling me we’re rolling into a mission in a car named after a comedian who pretended to play a piano with sausages?

Deadpool (snaps fingers):
Exactly! This isn’t just a car. It’s an icon of cinematic brilliance. Well, “brilliance” is a strong word. Let’s say… an icon of cinematic… existence.

G.I. Joe (folds arms):
Looks like a Rothschild psyop to me. “Le Baron.” Can’t fool me.

Deadpool (gasps):
You mean Tom Green was secretly working for the Rothschilds? My God. It all makes sense. The sausages… the backwards man… all subliminal banker propaganda!

G.I. Joe:
I’m serious. They hide symbols in plain sight. You think Chrysler picked “Le Baron” at random?

Deadpool (revving the dying engine):
Yep, nothing screams “ancient banking cabal” like a $500 convertible that smells like raccoon pee. Truly the ride of the elites.

(The Le Baron sputters, backfires, and then the roof half-collapses while they’re driving.)

Deadpool (cheering):
See that? That’s not a breakdown—that’s the Rothschilds pulling strings. They’re mad at you, Joe. They know you know.

G.I. Joe (gritting teeth):
I’m starting to think you’re the psyop.

Deadpool (grinning under mask):
Shhh. Don’t ruin the sequel—G.I. Joe vs. Freddy Got Fingered 2: Baron Harder.

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