I Put All My Money Into the XCOM Project

INT. UNDERGROUND BUNKER – NIGHT

The alien sirens echo faintly through steel walls. Flickering monitors cast cold blue light on G.I. JOE and his two brothers, standing ready.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD enters, his cane tapping on the concrete floor. His voice carries the weight of scripture.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
(quoting)
“They kill the widow and alien; the fatherless they murder.”
(Psalm 94:6)

He lowers the Bible and stares at Joe.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
That verse… it’s about them. The invaders. They don’t just slaughter soldiers — they erase the weak, the forgotten, the innocent.

Joe’s jaw tightens.

G.I. JOE
So that’s why you put everything into XCOM?

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
In 1994, when the nations turned their backs, I mortgaged my legacy. I risked every Rothschild coin to keep the Project alive. Do you understand, Joe? The world abandoned the fight, but I could not.

He steps closer, his eyes fixed on Joe and his brothers.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
I chose you three because you did what no one else could. You beat the game in record time. What was a simulation for others… was prophecy for you.

Joe looks down at the battered XCOM insignia Jacob presses into his palm.

JACOB ROTHSCHILD
This isn’t just war, Joe. This is scripture unfolding. And if we fail… Psalm 94 will be written in our blood.

The alien sirens rise to a scream.

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Selena – Hands to Myself

Scene: A trendy rooftop bar in Los Angeles.

Selena Gomez sits at a table with her drink. Suddenly Borat appears, tugging along a nervous but stylish Italian man in his 30s, Mark, wearing a flashy leather jacket.

Borat (booming voice): “Hello, Selena Gomez! Jagshemash! I bring you important message. Your fiancé — he is cheat! Very shame. He do romance with other woman, like dirty goat in field. Disgrace!”

Selena (startled, then frowning): “Wait, what? Who are you?”

Borat (gesturing proudly to Mark): “I am Borat Sagdiyev, number four journalist of Kazakhstan. And this… this is my very sexy friend from Italy, Mark! He is not cheat. He makes best spaghetti in all of Napoli, and his mother still iron his underpants.”

Mark (thick Italian accent, trying to smile): “Eh, ciao Selena… Borat, maybe you slow down, sì?”

Borat (ignoring him, turning back to Selena): “Mark is strong like ox, smooth like olive oil. He will never betray you. Only betray maybe… pizza delivery time. Ha! Very nice!”

Selena (laughing despite herself): “So… you’re trying to tell me I should dump my fiancé… and date your friend Mark?”

Borat (nodding furiously): “YES! Much better for you. Instead of heartbreak, you get man who play accordion and drive tiny car that go beep beep. America will love Italian romance! Do it, Selena. You will be very happy. High five!”

Mark (sighing, under his breath): “Mamma mia…”

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The Secrets of Le Baron

Scene: A cracked highway outside of town. A battered green Chrysler Le Baron convertible sputters along. Deadpool is behind the wheel, scarf flapping in the wind, humming the Freddy Got Fingered theme off-key. G.I. Joe sits shotgun, visibly regretting every choice that led him here.


Deadpool:
Ahhh, smell that, Joe? That’s freedom. That’s style. That’s… burning transmission fluid. But mostly—freedom.

G.I. Joe (grimacing):
Why is it green?

Deadpool (cheerfully):
Because, my sweet naïve action figure, this is no ordinary Le Baron. This is the Tom Green Special. Straight outta Freddy Got Fingered. Behold—the Freddymobile!

G.I. Joe:
You’re telling me we’re rolling into a mission in a car named after a comedian who pretended to play a piano with sausages?

Deadpool (snaps fingers):
Exactly! This isn’t just a car. It’s an icon of cinematic brilliance. Well, “brilliance” is a strong word. Let’s say… an icon of cinematic… existence.

G.I. Joe (folds arms):
Looks like a Rothschild psyop to me. “Le Baron.” Can’t fool me.

Deadpool (gasps):
You mean Tom Green was secretly working for the Rothschilds? My God. It all makes sense. The sausages… the backwards man… all subliminal banker propaganda!

G.I. Joe:
I’m serious. They hide symbols in plain sight. You think Chrysler picked “Le Baron” at random?

Deadpool (revving the dying engine):
Yep, nothing screams “ancient banking cabal” like a $500 convertible that smells like raccoon pee. Truly the ride of the elites.

(The Le Baron sputters, backfires, and then the roof half-collapses while they’re driving.)

Deadpool (cheering):
See that? That’s not a breakdown—that’s the Rothschilds pulling strings. They’re mad at you, Joe. They know you know.

G.I. Joe (gritting teeth):
I’m starting to think you’re the psyop.

Deadpool (grinning under mask):
Shhh. Don’t ruin the sequel—G.I. Joe vs. Freddy Got Fingered 2: Baron Harder.

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