🎬 Bewitched 3: Ozone & Ozonol
SCENE START
EXT. SYDNEY BEACH, AUSTRALIA – DAY
DARRIN (Will Ferrell), standing under the perpetual, Samantha-induced twilight, is still beaming with self-congratulation over his “Sun Protocol.” He holds the now-empty coconut oil jar-turned-ice cream container. SAMANTHA (Nicole Kidman) is relaxing comfortably, secretly maintaining the magical dimming of the sun.
DARRIN
(Pacing excitedly)
See, Samantha? It wasn’t the natural process that was failing; it was the cultural process! We cracked the code! We harnessed nature! But this ozone hole… it’s still out there. A wound that needs systemic healing. And I know who the culprits are!
He jabs a finger dramatically towards the (now dimmer) sky.
DARRIN (CONT’D)
It wasn’t just industry! It was the Glam Rockers! The late 80s! The early 90s! All that glorious, towering, gravity-defying hair! Think of Bon Jovi! Think of Poison! Every concert was a literal, chemical assault on the stratosphere!
SAMANTHA
(Mildly)
Darling, I believe hairspray switched to non-CFC propellants decades ago.
DARRIN
(Shakes his head emphatically)
Too late! The damage was done! They locked their looks in place with enough Chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) to chew a hole in the sky the size of Tasmania! Those aerosol particulates are still up there, working their toxic chemistry! They traded ozone for attitude!
He paces back to Samantha, his face a mask of determined environmental fervor.
DARRIN (CONT’D)
But we can fix it! We can reverse the Bon Jovi Effect! Since my advertising firm is dead set against magic—and frankly, so am I—I’ve compiled a list of non-magical, science-based, and politically feasible ways to heal the ozone layer!
He pulls out a water-stained, handwritten list from his pocket.
🛠️ Darrin’s Ozone Repair Protocol (Non-Magical)
DARRIN
(Reading intensely)
- Strict Global Compliance with the Montreal Protocol: We have to get every last country to stop cheating! No more black market CFC-11 and CFC-12 from questionable refrigerator factories! We need zero emissions, not just reductions!
- Conversion to Natural Refrigerants: Phasing out Hydrofluorocarbons (HFCs), which are also massive greenhouse gases, and switching to natural alternatives like ammonia ($NH_3$) and carbon dioxide ($CO_2$). Clean refrigeration!
- Stratospheric Aerosol Injection (SAI): (He whispers this one dramatically) This is controversial, but hear me out! Injecting reflective sulfur particulates or calcium carbonate into the stratosphere to mimic the cooling effect of large volcanoes! It could slow global warming, which gives the ozone time to heal naturally!
- Tropospheric Pollution Control: Reducing pollutants closer to the ground, like Nitrous Oxide ($N_2O$), which eventually drifts up and breaks down ozone molecules. It’s an easy win: cleaner air down here, healthier ozone up there!
- Climate Remediation via Sea Salt: A new, highly conceptual idea! Spraying sea salt particles into the marine boundary layer to create more clouds that block solar radiation! It’s like a giant, natural umbrella!
DARRIN (CONT’D)
We just need to sell the world on one of these ideas! Or better yet, all of them! I’m thinking of a campaign: “Trade Your Aqua Net for $N_2O$ Neutrality!”
SAMANTHA
(Smiling, genuinely impressed by his effort)
That’s… certainly ambitious, darling. But are you sure the world is ready for a massive sulfur injection?
DARRIN
(Puts the list away, beaming)
They will be, my love. Because the only thing stronger than glam-rock hairspray is a globally approved, environmentally conscious advertising campaign!
He doesn’t notice that his crumpled list instantly vanishes, replaced by a fresh, clean piece of paper containing only two words, written in Samantha’s elegant script: “DONE. Love, S.”
SCENE END